Skinny Jeans

Skinny Jeans.

We all know what they are, we all have seen them on the street worn in various, colours, tightness and styles, some of us, shamefully, even own a pair of skinny jeans.

Are they a boon to our society, or a blight?

Well it depends on a lot of things actually, are you 90 lbs soaking wet? Are you in a band that plays coversongs of Good Charlotte, Fallout Boy, or Hedley? Are you an androginous self-mutilator who sits in the corner, crying about how you have no friends and all your poetry makes you want to kill yourself?

(If you are in the last category, I suggest taking a shower, stop wearing your little sisters hallowe'en make up and try going out in the sunlight once in a while, also, poetry is for fat chicks who can't draw, so give that up too.)

If you aren't in ANY of the those categories, good for you, welcome to the human race. If you aren't and you DO own skinny jeans, burn them. You only look like an idiot... especially if you are over 90 lbs, cause inevitably you have muffin top, or go so far as to have what my mother calls 'a whole loaf of bread'*.

Like leggings, the bane of my existance, skinny jeans are rapidly becoming part of my most hated list with our fashion world, and I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm a chick, I love clothes, I may not follow it season to season, but I know what looks good and what doesn't and skinny jeans sure as hell fire and damnation doesn't look good on anyone but a maniquin.

Case in point. Hipster boys who mix skinny jeans with thier punk era of wearing their pants past thier asses so everyone can see thier boxer briefs, tattered and thin, exposed to the whole world.
Look boys, its easy okay? Either wear skinny jeans on your hips like you're suppose too, or wear regular jeans frat-boy style (see above statement about asses in the wind).
No matter how hard you try to make yourself unique with the bullet belts, or the checkered or the studded pleather belts, oft wearing two or more complete with wallet chain, suspenders or band-ana's artfully folded or tied around to you, you're asses are still hanging out and no one, not even your own mother wants to see that. Pull up your pants. Even if you look like you haven't left your basement in several months you'll STILL look better then you do with your ass out.

And boys, for those of you who play alot of video games and aren't rail thin, please for the love of the gods, buy skinny jeans that A) fit your waist, B) aren't tight as second skin C) made of stretchy denim Okay? Muffin top on boys is NOT attractive. Doubly so if you do have your ass in the wind and you're muffin top buts MINE to shame. This is why pants come in many sizes, cause so do you boys. Got it? Kay. Good.

Also? Guys? I want you to know prolonged compactment of your junk will permanently damage it. Not like a painful you can't pee with out crying damage, but like its bent at a weird angle and girls will forever judge you for it damage. Go on, ask your dad about bell-bottoms from the seventies and the first generation of skinny jeans.

Ladies, Don't think you're safe just because I dedicated a paragraph and a bit to boys with thier asses out, you are even worse then they are.
I'll start with Muffin tops. If you flabby love handles fold over the top of your pants. THEY DO NOT FIT. Do not wear them cause you look stupid as fuck. Yah, fuck has a level of stupidity, and its girls who don't wear clothes that fit their body size.

If you are the shape of an ice-cream cone, (you know what I mean) Don't wear skinny jeans, or leggings for that matter. Or anything that clings. You look dumb. Especially if you are top heavy, or busty as our moms like to put it. It isn't flattering and you look cheap. Really cheap, like Britney before she shaved her head cheap. Yah. You really do. Trust me. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this cause it's true and I'm trying to help you save yourself years of ridicule from your daughters when they find pictures of you when they are your age now. Lets face it, as much as you are a bitch, your daughters will be worse. ( Example My mother is a bitch out of circumstance, I am a bigger bitch out of learned behaviour and her fine example.)

It pains me to admit it, but we really need to start taking the next generation aside and teaching them the all important message of straight leg, or boot-cut jeans. They look good on EVERYONE no matter what.


It sucks, I know I've run my mouth off, but I'm sorry these things need to be said. I know you're trying to be unique. Just like everyone else, but sometimes, you just can't wear skinny jeans.





* 'Whole Loaf of Bread'

I like to think I'm a bitch, I'm really opinionated and that gets on peoples nerves, but I honestly wouldn't run my mouth off if I didn't have justification and as much as it hurts, you know this blog entry is right.

Now, I like to think I'm a bitch, but my mom, she really is. I'm writing this footnote to explain the 'loaf of bread' statement I made earlier.

A couple weeks ago we all went out as a family to see a movie and while we were sitting having a snack before the show started my mom and I people watched, and it was early in the evening, beginning of school so there were alot of teens at the theatre, ALL of the girls were dressed inappropriately, like really if they weren't in clubbing clothes, they weren't dressed and many of these girls OBVIOUSLY didn't know their own shapes cause omfg, wow, just bad, tight, clinging clothes were lumps and jiggling bits and everything were everywhere. I don't want to see you cottage cheesey thighs and back-fat, so put some fucking clothes on. I saw one prime specimen who was wearing TIGHT neon yellow shorts, I mean they were so tight I was actually concerned her legs were going to loose circulation and I motioned over to her and said 'Mom, look, -that- is what muffin top is' cause she had asked me to explain it. She looked at the girl, snorted and said 'Yve, thats not muffin top, thats a whole loaf of bread.'

YAH.

That statement defines EPIC.